No one likes to talk about the bad days

It's easy to blog about the good days, the joy of life. It's not so easy to be honest about the real emotions and hormonal pinball machine your heart and mind are thrown into.

The joy of motherhood is real.  It is the most amazing gift on earth.  Her little hands and feet mesmerize me.  Every noise or interaction is like a first step.  I am incredibly thankful to be home with my daughter for the first months of her life.  I know these are moments I will never have again. 

The bad days are real too.  It doesn't discredit the joys mentioned above... I won't let them. They are real for everyone, but for a new mom the baby blue days happen. You don't want to talk about it.  You don't want people to think you aren't joyful and happy and on cloud 9.  I was! I am! but, I still had/have bad days.  The more we don't talk about those days, the more everyone else feels like they are crazy and alone.  

I have learned to claim my bad moments and days.  To own them, to admit them, and to talk about them.  Then, I try to counteract them.  Does this always work? No. But usually it helps just a little bit.

My bad days are on rainy days... like yesterday.  I don't like to be stuck inside or to get wet in the rain.  Lately, getting outside is a big deal. (But I can walk in the mall and park under a parking deck!)

My bad days are when I don't feel like a good mom.  When she cries and I don't know why... when I go too long without feeding her.  When I miss my freedom.  When I just can't lift/load/carry that incredibly heavy car seat.  (But I am doing the best I can every day.  I have people in my life that I can text or call and admit I don't feel like a good mom.)

My bad days are when I can't wear anything in my closet pre baby.  When I read that pinterest blog "I was thinner than pre pregnancy at 4 weeks" and I secretly hate that girl I don't know.  (But I look at this sweet baby girl and know my body held her for 9 months and she is healthy and beautiful and I stick with my T shirt and thank god for those elastic black pants.)

My bad days are when I actually find time to run an errand and the lady at Walgreens is having a bad day too.  (I forget I'm not the only one who has them.)

My bad days are when I accidentally spill just a spot of that liquid gold and I cry a little. (There is nothing that counteracts spilled milk.)

My bad days are when I think about going back to work because I love my job and cry thinking about it. (Then I'm thankful for a husband who supports my decision and loves me because I am wired to be a working mom.)

My bad days are when I cry. For no reason in particular and I don't want to cry, but I cry, then little one cries and crying doesn't actually feel foreign anymore. And it can be anything really. That stupid Mother's Day publix commercial or someone dying on Grey's Anatomy or anyone having a baby in a movie or on tv. (Tears are purposeful, but sometimes have no explanation... So I let them happen.)

My bad days aren't days really... they are moments. They don't counteract my good days and my good weeks.  I don't let them. My joy is so much bigger than my bad moments.  I had this huge realization when my daughter was about 3 weeks old and I was in the hardest days... this is the most joyous time of my life.  I can let it pass by in a blur of my tears or I can embrace these days that are joyous.  Joy was my choice.  It is daily.  It isn't easy and perhaps I am writing this to remind myself of my choice. Some days my choice is to cry and to have a bad day.  It. is. ok.  Tomorrow is new and different and it might be another bad day, but at least it's a new day.  I wish I had the perfect verse for the exact moments of these days. And of course there are many, but the only one that came to my mind over and over again was He makes all things new.  Newness doesn't erase the previous.  It just starts over.  Life is new. Babies are new and sweet and smell good. Days are new, moments are new.  I can't make them new. I can't start the day over, or produce life on my own.  But My God who is so great and mighty can.  He can start it over and start new life and it is amazing and fresh and beautiful.

He makes all things new.


*Disclaimer- Every woman is different and experiences emotions in different ways. This is simply my journey in trying to cope and figure it all out. 

Pause

Being home on maternity leave has allowed me time to love on my sweet girl and has surprisingly allowed me to learn so much about myself.  If you know me, you know I love to be around people.  I crave conversation and relationship.  I hate quiet or stillness.  I am that girl.  I don't like awkward silence or nap time.  I want noise and fun and entertainment.

Until recently.  Being home causes me to be still.  Every day I try to limit my tv/Netflix time as much as possible.  Those things will always be there, these days will not.  I read this devotional blog this morning about rest and the Sabbath outlined in the bible...

"It's all about pausing and connecting with God without the distracting chaos of our everyday routines. For one day a week, we step out of the fray and let God direct our day according to His rhythm, not ours....  Taking one day for rest gives my soul the freedom it so desperately needs. Freedom to breathe. Space to breathe. Inhaling and exhaling in a gentle rhythm set by God." Lisa TerKeurst 

It totally hit home with me... Our society, our world, thrives off busyness.  We find silence and rest uncomfortable... I sure do. When God has prescribed medicine for our addiction to that busyness of life- it's rest and quietness.  In that is when we are actually able to soul search, we allow God to set that pace of life that is so contradictory to what we are told is good.  

So in this phase of my life, I find goodness in the quiet of our little home.  A house is being built two doors down and I actually enjoy the sound of hammering and trucks in and out.  The little coos and squeaks Sydney makes during her nap fill my heart.  That noise machine is soothing for both of us!  I actually listen to birds chirping and rain or wind outside.  And in those sounds and moments of my new mommy days, I am reminded of how great and powerful our God is. Breathing and listening and not doing a lot is just as fulfilling as my busy life once was. 

a few of my favorite things... new mom edition!

I cannot believe I am a mom of a one month old!  Sydney K is the joy of my life and I'm slowly trying to figure this mom thing out.  I've found some products & resources that make my life a little easier these days.  These are those things I'm either glad someone told me ahead of time or I wish I had known before little one came!  Hoping you're either nodding in agreement or you can have a heads up as a future mommy yourself. :)

#1. Find a friend. Or 2 or 10.  The biggest support you will find are other new moms.  Whether they are in the same city or just a phone call away, find other women who engage in honest, real conversation or emails! This has made all the difference for me in finding sanity during the first month of mommyhood.  (Shoutout to Sleeplicity.com !!)

#2. Get a husband ... well the married kind is pretty awesome too :)... but I mean the pillow kind like this one. My brilliant parents bought this one for me my first week home and it was a life saver.

#3. Lucie's List. Not only is this blogger hilarious, my husband and I literally laugh out loud when I read her stuff, but she is accurate and smart!  When you subscribe to her blog, you receive emails during pregnancy, postpartum and during mommyhood.  She's awesome and makes my inbox more entertaining.

#4. Amazon Mom. Thank you Ms. Parvin for getting me on this bandwagon!  First, you want the diaper and wipes discounts.  You also want the free shipping.  I didn't realize how much I would shop online, but you do.  My trips to Publix and Target are few and far between... and are meticulously planned, and usually with a friend.  Amazon is your new best friend.

#5. This blanket: We received many beautiful blankets from friends and family, but this one is our favorite! (Thanks Melissa!!) We call it the Magic Blanket. Not only is it soft and warm, but Sydney loves it to soothe to sleep when nothing else works.  Find your magic blanket, whatever works use it!

#6. Medela Microwave steam bags- Thanks Gavin! This saves time and energy for steam cleaning bottles, pump equipment, etc.  Ah-mazing.

#7. Dr. Brown's Bottle Warmer- Whether you're warming formula or breast milk bottles.  This is a life saver!

#8. Ipad- If you don't have an Ipad or Kindle or other type of tablet, get one.  I didn't realize how limited I would be during nursing.  I spend many hours reading or watching something on the ipad.  (Turning pages or a remote is tricky!)

#9. Bath tub thermometer-  This one beeps if the water is too warm or too cold- brilliant!

#10. A bouncer or swing or rock 'n play, or all of the above!  We started with a bouncer, which we use for day naps without the bouncing.  Anything that lets you put him/her down during the day in the room with you. We're still getting used to the swing, only about 20 min a day for now.

Those are my top 10! Other moms (new and veteran!), what else would you recommend?  What do you wish someone told you to get or think of beforehand?

Waiting

There are very vivid, particular moments in life when we are forced to wait. Wait for Fridays, wait on traffic, wait for people, waiting rooms...

The most memorable moments I've waited are those big events.  The ones you plan and anticipate for months or even years, and most of them usually pass in just that- moments.

Graduation, graduation again, and oh yeah graduation again. What can I say, I'm a lifelong learner?
Get the cap and gown, finish the course requirements, celebrate, pomp & circumstance. Done in a few hours or a long weekend.

Falling in love.  I may have tripped a few times to wait on this one.  This love did not come and go, he's a forever and was worth every second of the wait.

The wedding.  After love, comes marriage.  I remember the summer of 09 and counting down every single day to the big day.  Planning every detail, deadlines, deposits, schedules, out of town guests, the dress.  Everything comes and then it's over in a day's time.  The wedding itself slips by, but it was only the beginning of our incredible journey of marriage.

Sydney's Birthday.  And now we're waiting again.  Yes, Sydney's birthday will be one day, one moment, one memory... but in that moment, our family becomes permanent.  This is the wait that changes everything.  I try to soak in moments of silence or boredom- knowing I will not experience those two words again for a very long time.  I try to stay busy and keep my mind occupied, yet find myself very distracted by the idea that we will meet our daughter in a matter of weeks or days.  It's a strange feeling- anticipating the drastic changes that are on the horizon.  I don't want time to speed up or slow down.  I just want to wait for the moment when everything changes and then let it change.

psalm sixty two:five,six

let all that I am wait quietly before God,

  for my hope is in him.

he alone is my rock and my salvation,

  my fortress where I will not be shaken.

It's okay...

35 weeks pregnant comes with the wonderful combination of change, nerves, and excitement.  I've learned to forgive myself and allow grace in ways I never knew before pregnancy.

A few okays for other pregnant moms-to-be...

It's okay to gain weight, (especially after week 30!) ... it is for a reason- you're participating in God's greatest miracle.

It's okay you can't see your feet... they're swollen anyway.

It's okay to sleep and sleep a lot... knowing this is the last good night's sleep we'll ever have.

It's okay to eat ice cream... maybe just not every night :)

It's okay to sit down... it does not make you weak, people understand.

It's okay to not be okay... some days are not easy and are emotional, and it's okay to cry about it.

It's okay to say no and do less... it helps prepare for parenthood to come.  It won't be the last no.

It's okay to ask for help... when people offer or volunteer, allow them to help.  It is not a sign of vulnerability, it is a sign of awareness and strength.

It's okay to want to wish away the weeks... but don't.  A good friend told me "Pregnancy is nine months for a reason."  Your little one is growing and developing and so are you.

It's okay to plan, prepare, read, decorate... but don't expect it go just so.  I am more okay with not having a plan than ever before in my life.  Learn how to be prepared but relinquish control at the same time.

Come on in twenty thirteen...

As the new year begins, 2013 will be a year of new beginnings in many ways.  We will welcome our daughter to the world in the next three months, a moment that will knowingly change our lives forever.  I have so many hopes for myself as a mother, for us as new parents and for our little girl to come.

I hope to enjoy the moments before THE moment of her birth.  To embrace the ups and downs of the last trimester.  To enjoy the quiet and simplicity of life before we begin growing our family.  These moments are rare and life will be changed forever sooner than later.

I hope to learn as I go.  In no way do I have this whole parenting thing figured out, nor do I expect to!  I hope to be prepared, knowledgeable  and educated; without expecting to make perfect steps along the way.  I am learning to accept that it is okay to make mistakes and learn as we go.  I hope our daughter will learn this lesson from her parents as we mess up, find grace, and move forward in life.

I hope to find the balance between work and family.  Moving from pouring my identity into my occupation toward balancing both my calling, passion, and love.  I hope to balance my time and use each moment wisely during the work day and make my time at home priority.  & if it doesn't work out perfectly, to be okay with that as well.

I hope to embrace this gift.  Being a mother is a gift and I hope to enjoy each moment, including the pregnancy weeks to come.  I hope even in the wee hours of 2 am screaming baby, tired mom, no sleep coma, I hope to appreciate the moment and the opportunity to be a mother and to have that screaming baby in the middle of the night.

What a year it will be!! Come on in twenty thirteen... 

the hunt for jeans

Some girls love jeans.  They can dress them up or down, they just throw them on and look great.  Me, on the other hand, I do not love jeans.  I never have and probably never will.  I want jeans to fit perfectly and to be less than $50.  Hard to find.  Add my beautiful preggo belly, this hunt just intensified ten times!

My pre-pregnancy jeans of choice were a random super clearance skinny crop pair from Ann Taylor Loft.  I could wear them in the summer/spring and winter with boots.  Golden.  My splurge faves were Paige Premium and Citizens, both which I had to have altered for being shorter than most.  Don't get me wrong, I have over 10 pairs of jeans in my closet, but I always come back to those 3.
photo credit: 6pm.com

So, now we come to the pregnant version of me.  I made those jeans last as long as possible with the Be Band from Target.  Thank goodness to whoever invented that thing!  This weekend, I reached my max, my regular jeans just aren't making the cut anymore at 23 weeks.  Some women can wear their regular jeans all through pregnancy and feel great and look great, and I am more than happy for you (aka secretly jealous), but that is not me.  I embrace it, I love it, I just needed some jeans!

My hunt- I started with my 2 go tos for maternity.
Stop 1: Old Navy. Huge fail.  I tried on maternity skinny, curvy, boot cut, regular, you name it.  All awful.  Painful, in fact, to even attempt!  They may be $20-40, but not happening.

Stop 2: Target.  Just looking at the rack stressed me out.  2 pairs. Really, target?  One pair is the "low panel" version that makes me feel sick looking at it.  The other pair looked too mom jeanish and I didn't even try them on.  Both around $40.

Stop 3: Motherhood Maternity.  Sometimes Motherhood comes through for me, especially with the work clothes.  Online, the jeans were overwhelming.  Too many choices and I needed to try on before.

Stop 4: A Pea in the Pod.  Normally, I avoid this store like the plague unless I'm willing to spend $100 or up, but I did my research first.  They have a store named brand, maternity + petite!  I even called our mall's store to be sure they carried these, AND they were on sale post black friday.  Winner.

My sweet trooper of a husband went with me to stop by Pea in the pod, which we jokingly call, pee in the pond. I tried on one pair and a nice buy one get one top, and I felt like a million bucks.  There is something to be said for comfort, style, and nice quality clothes- especially when you are very pregnant.  I did a little dance in the dressing room and walked out to the counter and said, "Strange request- can I wear these clothes out and buy them now?"  I clearly am not the first person to ask, these women went into action.  One cut off my tags, the other had a bag for my other clothes that didn't make the cut to wear home.  I was in and out in a good 15 minutes.  Check for great customer service! This was the pair I ended up with.  And no, I will not be pairing them with 4 inch black heels, ever- much less now :)

photo credit: apeainthepod.com

After weeks of making those favorite pre pregnancy jeans barely/hardly/kindof work, I am glad to say the hunt is over.  Even if I need another pair in the next 4 months, I will probably buy online now that I know the size and fit that works.  I hope for other pregnant ladies out there, you have much more luck than I did.  It was a painful hunt, glad it is over!